DarrenConley.com

In the last few months, my readership has been steadily declining. What is the cause for this, you might ask? I believe it can be summed up in two words: Fewer posts. And what is the reason for this lack of posting? There are many factors:

1. I got married. This kinda threw a whole extra factor into my usual single-man’s schedule of regular video game playing, microwave food-eating, planning my own cult, and taking long baths while reading various classics of western literature. I also used to devote a good hour each night to blog-writing. Now I have other things occupying my schedule, like showering my wife with affection. (You know, this is one of those times when the spoken medium would have lent itself to a good joke, if I had paused a few seconds after the word “wife” in the sentence above. Alas, in writing, the joke cannot be conveyed)…

2. I got a new job. Working at a Viet-Thai restaurant is by no means hard labour, but it does mean a lot of hours on my feet with very little opportunity to sit down. Consequently, after walking home from work, I feel lazy. Too lazy to sit at the computer and churn out another interesting post. But not so lazy as to neglect showing affection to my wife (see number 1 above).

3. I’m losing storage space. My website is hosted by a free service that only provides a minimum of storage space for posts and pictures. Since I have an aesthetic policy of including a nice picture with every post, I only have enough space for maybe 4 or 5 more posts, before I’m forced to go with another hosting service. I’m currently in the middle of checking out a new host, and there’s a good chance that this site will be moved to a new address in the near future, but until that happens, I’m going to have to be careful about how much more I post here. I suppose I could stop putting up pictures with my posts, but then you wouldn’t be able to see as much of my beautiful wife (see number 1 above).

As far as what’s going on in my life lately, here are some highlights:

- Got the djembe: Been playing Abba songs on it. It sounds awesome.

– Made my own pad thai this week: Using a professional wok for the first time is like learning to drive standard – too many controls with a lot of potential for disaster.

- Need to take out the kitchen garbage: We’re currently hosting a fruit-fly colony.

- Trying to lose some weight: When you have to go an extra belt-notch, you know you have to start taking it seriously.

- Need more local friends: We can’t drive to Hamilton every time we have the urge for socialization.

- Fireflies: We saw some outside our balcony the other night. Who doesn’t like fireflies?!

- Cheap Chocolate: Food Basics has Caramilk bars on sale for $0.50. Makes wanting to lose weight a whole lot more difficult.

That’s it for now, boys and girls. I’ll try to squeeze in some more posting this week, and hopefully, I’ll have this blog moved over to www.darrenconley.com in the very near future…

Sometime last year, seemingly out of nowhere, I was suddenly besieged with an overwhelming urge to own a hand drum. I believe it started when I was on a weekend retreat with a young adults’ group from Philpott church, and was offered the opportunity to accompany the band on a genuine African djembe for the worship music. I can’t say that my playing was spectacular, and I can’t say that I was ever asked to play again. What I CAN say is that I had a lot of fun smacking the drumskin, and that afterwards, my hands felt like they had been high-fiving an angry gorilla for an hour (I guess I have to build up some “drum smacking tolerance”).

Since then I have had visions of myself, sometimes garbed in hippie-like clothing, sitting on the side of the road at Port Dalhousie, thumping away on a djembe like an African master, singing Bob Dylan songs, and earning the respect and small change of passers-by while collecting donations in a top-hat, or possibly a beret. Playin’ the music of the streets. Capturing the heartbeat of the nation and channeling it through my hands and fingers into the rhythms of the new generation.

So I started checking out prices on djembes, and dropping into music stores to try them out. I decided that I wanted something that is key-tuned (as opposed to using ropes, as traditional djembes do), simply because drums are far easier to tune with keys instead of ropes. I also wanted something in the 12 inch diameter range of things, since they offer the greatest range of sound for a relatively low cost.

After having visited Thorold Music, which is about a half-hour walk from my apartment, I found a djembe that fits all of my criteria, and sounds great to boot. Or to hit, I guess. I don’t know why people say “to boot”. Unless you’re talking about booting something, and this is not a kick drum.

Tomorrow, after work, Larissa and I will jump into our Honda Civic and make the short trek to Thorold Music, where I will pay the required sum of money (along with the necessary taxation amount) and thus come to acquire the drum which I have dreamed about for many a long hour. So prepare yourself – Darren and his djembe will soon be “takin’ it to the streets”. And the rhythm of the new generation will be made manifest, at last.

As a child of the 80s, there were certain life principles that I learned from television and movies at an early age: Transformers, GI Joe, and He Man taught me that there are clear lines between good and evil, and that the good guys always ALWAYS win. The Neverending Story, Willow, and The Karate Kid taught me that those who seem weak and forgettable can rise up and find the strength to be the heroes which save the day. And E.T., Explorers, and The Goonies taught me that adults don’t really “get” how things really work, and that it’s up to us kids to make things right.

I firmly believe that the success of the Harry Potter books is largely based on J.K. Rowling’s ability to tap into these principles from the 80s and repackage them for today’s generation. I’m surprised that film makers have been so slow in these last few decades to tap into the same formula. Perhaps Monster House, the best film of the summer so far, is a sign that “the 80’s formula” is finally catching on again.

Directed by rookie Gil Kenan (who, according to imdb.com, has no other entertainment credentials whatsoever) and produced by Robert Zemeckis and Steven Spielberg, this movie takes everything we loved about the movies of the 80s, and hands it to us in a shiny new computer animated package that is truly a joy to watch.

The premise of the story is simple: There’s a haunted house across the street that is eating anyone who steps on its property, and it’s up to three kids to figure out the secrets of the house, and how to stop it. After all, Halloween is only one day away, and with dozens of kids trick-or-treating on a carnivorous front porch, the death toll would be staggering.

DJ is the movie’s main hero, and the kid that most boys in the theatre will relate to. He’s firmly entrenched in his late-elementary school geekiness, but you can tell that by the time his voice finishes changing, he’ll have settled into that understated coolness that we children of the 80s encapsulate, as we now ease into our early 30s. Chowder is DJ’s best friend, and reminds me of that kid that you always ended up hanging out with, but could never remember why. He can be whiny, obnoxious, and overly competitive, but when it comes down to it, who else is going to share your enthusiasm for the newest issue of Lethargic Comics, or this year’s Saturday morning cartoon lineup?

Jenny represents every girl that we prepubescent boys used to have a crush on. She’s pretty (but not glamorous), slightly more mature than we were, intelligent, and has just enough attitude to intrigue us, scare us, captivate us, and frustrate us, all at the same time. The kinda girl we desperately wanted, but never thought we could have. The kind of girl I ended up marrying (with the exception that my wife actually IS glamorous!).

The cast of supporting characters is just as wonderfully crafted, and just as entertaining to watch. Jon Heder voices a pimply, pizza-delivering geek-guru who, unlike DJ, will never outgrow his love for all things found at a comic convention. Maggie Gyllenhaal voices the babysitter who’s more concerned about her boyfriend than the boys she’s supposed to be watching. And Steve Buscemi voices Mr. Nebbercracker – an old man with a terrible secret.

What astounded me about these animated characters, and this is most readily seen in the character of Chowder, is how REAL they all seemed. The speech patterns, the annoying taunts, the awkward mannerisms, the way they try to wrap their minds around solving this problem – These characters are more believable than most of the kids found in live action films, and that says something about the skill of the animators and the director.

I also love the way the plot of this movie unfolds. You may have thought that you’ve already seen everything there is to see about this movie in the trailers and commercials – trust me, you haven’t seen anything yet. Right from the very beginning, this movie threw me for a loop, and just when you think that you’re headed for the climax and resolution of the story, everything steps up a notch. The twists and turns this movie takes speak to how well this story was crafted, and how well it was marketed to the public.

Some of you may think that this is a movie about children, with a childish storyline, meant to be watched exclusively by children. You are wrong. This movie is for every one of us who grew up in the 80s, being taught those sacred lessons about how the world REALLY works. There are moments when you will be genuinely scared, and moments where you will be genuinely laughing. And by the end of the movie, you will be walking out of the theatre, smiling, with a little more faith that the magic of your childhood is still alive in Hollywood today, and thanking Spielberg and Zemeckis for letting some of that magic shine through in Monster House.

As some of you may know, my friend John Campea, who runs The Movie Blog, has been hard at work for the past few months filming interviews for his upcoming documentary The Prince of Peace, The God of War. He recently put the finishing touches on the trailer, so I thought I’d link to it here. Feel free to leave any comments as to what you think of it so far.

For the past few days, I’ve been home sick from work. It hasn’t been the most terrible form of sickness – just a lot of achy muscles, a lack of energy, and a lot of rushing to the bathroom every hour or so to excrete some more diarrhea. My butt is so sore from passing mass quantities of acid feces that I can hardly sit down. On the plus side, I’ve caught up on my Maclean’s reading.

All this extra time at home has allowed me to watch more TV than I usually do, and all this time in the bathroom has caused me to think about why people on television shows are rarely, if ever, depicted using the bathroom at all.

For the average television show, say, Gilmore Girls, or one of the many CSI spin-offs, you can get around the bathroom issue fairly easily. Rory had a quick pee after she arrived at Logan’s place, but before the scene itself started, which may have opened with them watching a movie. Or the crime scene investigator made a quick detour into the nearby coffee shop to pinch a quick loaf on the way to the killer’s apartment to comb through the rug looking for dandruff for a DNA sample.

But take a show like 24, where the concept of the show lends itself to showing everything happening to each main character for a full 24 hours. Granted, I haven’t watched every episode of 24, but I’ve watched enough to know that Jack Bauer must have bladder/bowels of steel, or a very well hidden colostomy bag/catheter system in place if he’s going to chase down terrorists for a full 24 hours without dropping some weight in the loo occasionally. I drain the weasel every 4 hours on average, which means that Jack should have 6 potty breaks per season. What’s the deal?

Kudos, therefore, to the excellent example if television pioneering that is Babylon 5, which showed its characters going to the bathroom on at least 2 occasions. And as a show that’s set in the future, it showcased some interesting future bathroom technology in having the characters clean their hands by passing them through some sort of light field. After all, water use must be carefully controlled in a self-contained space station.

And washing your hands with light looks really cool.

Some of you may not know this, but back in the days when I had long hair and a goatee, I made a brief run at jumping into the entertainment industry in Toronto as a movie and television extra. The greatest amount of screen time that I ever achieved was in an episode of La Femme Nikita that was being filmed at the Art Gallery of Ontario.

Here, for the first time on the internet, I present my appearance on Nikita. The clip is approx. 30 seconds long, but I only appear for about 2 seconds of it. I include the context so that you can see that it is, in fact, a real clip.

When you see the villain enter the scene and walk down the set of stairs, I’m the guy who is directly behind him, and a bit to the left. I’m playing one of his bodyguards, and I’m the only one of the bodyguards who is looking down as we walk down the steps. That’s because all I was thinking at that moment was “Whatever you do, don’t trip down the stairs and mess up the entire scene!”

Although, in retrospect, it would have been a great TV blooper, especially in slow motion, with that dramatic music.

Anyway, here’s the clip. Click on the play button in the lower left corner to watch it.

By now, I’m sure that most of you have heard that there’s a live-action Transformers movie in the works, being directed by Michael Bay. Anticipation for the movie is high, since modern computer animation techniques have advanced to the point where the robots themselves can look realistic enough to make you suspect that your Honda Civic might just be from another planet after all.

As an example of how awesome the robots will look, I offer you two videos from youtube.com. The first one is actually a car commercial for the Citroen C4. The other video is a parody of the first one, featuring the Citroen 2CV. For the full effect, watch the first video before the second. You can watch them right here on this blog by clicking on the play button in the lower left corner of each video.

Video 1:

Video 2:

It seems as though Paramount Studios have decided to go out of their way to metaphorically spit in the faces of their movie fans. John Campea, who runs The Movie Blog, had his site shut down for 8 hours recently because Paramount found a picture from the upcoming Transformers Movie on his blog, and proceeded to go behind his back and contact John’s web host about it.

The site is now back up, and words have been exchanged between the various parties involved. To highlight the major issues in this situation, consider the following:

1) John (as well as Doug and I on the podcast) have been giving TONS of free promotion to the Transformers Movie for months, doing nothing but pumping up this movie in the eyes of potential fans. Paramount could not have paid for that kind of word-of-mouth publicity. Many people have commented on the site that they had little or no interest in this movie until John, Doug and I started talking about it. Why would Paramount want to kill that?

2) Going behind someone’s back is a dirty, underhanded way to deal with a problem. If you have something to work out with someone else, you approach them directly, and get it taken care of. This is something most people learn before they’re done highschool. Perhaps Paramount needs to spend some more time in a grade 9 ethics class.

3) This website is currently John’s only means of income. By having it shut down for almost 8 hours, Paramount effectively robbed John of 8 hours’ worth of pay, and thus far have made no offer to compensate him for that loss. I don’t know about you, but if someone took away 8 hours’ worth of my income when I was going out of my way to help out their company FOR FREE, I would be mighty upset.

4) This story has been picked up by hundreds of other web sources in the last 24 hours, and is currently the number one dug story in the Entertainment category at digg.com. Chances are that this move by Paramount will generate far more bad publicity for them then any good publicity that The Movie Blog had generated already. That’s very bad news for Paramount, but potential good news for The Movie Blog, as the site is drawing huge attention from this turn of events.

5) This story has apparently got Doug Nagy very upset. As far as I know, this is one of the signs of the apocalypse. Better say your prayers, kids.

The full story (thus far) can be found at The Movie Blog.

I recently received an email from my friend John Campea, whose podcast I participate in on a weekly basis, asking me to submit to him my top ten favourite super hero movies of all time. Personally, I hate making lists like this, because I’m always afraid that I’ve left something out that deserves consideration, and also because I feel that my tastes change depending upon my mood at the time. So officially, this list should be called Darren’s Top Ten Superhero Movies of All Time as of approx 8am on Wednesday July 5, 2006.

Please note that I have not yet seen the recently released Superman Returns, and it could very well make it into my top ten after being viewed. Like I said, this is my list as of right now.

Number 10: Spiderman 2

All of the great things about the first movie (interesting characters, compelling story, etc.), but with better special effects, a far more interesting villain, and kick-asser action sequences. It made many a young boy wish that they too could shoot adhesive webbing from somewhere in their wrist area (which seems rather strange to me, since spiders don’t have wrists – Shouldn’t Tobey Maguire be shooting webs from his anus?)

Number 9: Sky Captain and the World of Tomorrow

Some may dispute that this be included in a list of superhero movies, since the Sky Captain himself doesn’t have any actual powers. To argue that point, I’d point out that neither does Batman. In every other way Sky Captain is a superhero movie – over-the-top villains, crazy futuristic technology, and acts of death-defying heroism. This movie had a completely unique feel, and showed how much you can do when all of your sets are a green-screen. Bonus points for having two strong, beautiful women who are never forced into the “damsels in distress” role, and armies of giant robots.

Number 8: Unbreakable

The second major release from M. Night Shyamalan, and a masterpiece of directing, in my opinion. With its slow pace and atmospheric visuals, Shyamalan shows that a superhero movie does not have to be non-stop explosions caused by high-tech villains in order to be compelling. The hero is a blue-collar security guard. The villain cannot adequately navigate a staircase to the subway without causing himself serious injury. The plot is secondary to the characters (as is the case in all of Shyamalan’s movies), and the characters are interesting enough to make the “twist” seem incidental or unnecessary. More a movie about “super heroism” itself than anything else.

Number 7: Powerpuff Girls The Movie

Yeah, I know I’m going to get razzed for this one, but honestly, there’s nothing like watching three kindergarten girls with superpowers violently kicking the living crap out of every villain who gets in their way. The perfect combination of cute cartoony-ness, vertigo-inducing action, and smarter-than-a-kids-movie-should-be writing. Don’t let its supposed girliness deter you. You can watch this movie, enjoy it, and still retain your manliness. Unless, of course, you’re a woman.

Number 6: The Incredibles

What can I say about this movie that has not been said already? Fun for all ages, and more intelligently written than 95% of what comes out of Hollywood today. Some deep themes and lessons, even (and almost especially) for adults. If you don’t like it, you’re stupid. And if you haven’t seen it, well for heaven’s sake get your sheltered hindquarters to your local DVD vender and watch it! Before people think you’re stupid.

Number 5: X-men (the first one)

The movie that revitalized the superhero-movie genre after the Batman sequels killed it. A wonderful adaptation of the comics that I used to avidly collect, and surprisingly non-cheesy. Not only an interesting piece of action and adventure, but a subtle message about diversity and tolerance as well. I am astounded that everyone thinks X-men 2 was so amazing – I personally found it choppy, uneven, and forgettable. But this first movie was focused and compelling. Made me want to grow Wolverine claws something bad, although I don’t realistically know what I would do with them. Ice sculpting maybe?

Number 4: Hellboy

I loved the premise of this movie when I first heard about it, and the execution of it was amazing to see. Clearly a movie made by a writer and director who was in love with the source material. The villains were incredible (a clockwork corpse-ninja? Come on!), and every scene that involved Selma Blair bursting into flame gave me that rush that you can usually only get from kicking the winning soccer goal while listening to classic Christian Metal. One “hell” of a great flick.

Number 3: Mystery Men

I can’t remember how many times I’ve quoted this movie with my friends. So many hilarious lines, and so many amazingly funny performances by the cast. Hank Azaria, Greg Kinnear, William H. Macy, and Geoffrey Rush are all in top-form, and Ben Stiller, Janeane Garofalo, and Paul Reubens have never been better. A perfect parody of the superhero genre, and a cast of endearing characters that actually makes you want to see a sequel (which, ironically, they never made). It may not be high-budget, but what it lacks in fancy effects, it more than makes up for in fun.

Number 2: Blade 2

A perfect action movie from start to finish. Every fight sequence is beautifully constructed, and every vampire death is fun to watch. The premise is engaging, the characters are interesting, the villains are wonderfully evil and grotesque, and there’s even some heartfelt emotion thrown in. I love how vampire society is further fleshed-out, and how vampirism is viewed through a scientific, and not just a mystical, portrayal. Genetically manipulated vampires. How cool is that?! Anytime I want to see a movie that’s pure “slice up the bad guys with attitude and style” fun, this is the first DVD that comes off my shelf.

Number 1: Batman Begins

More than just a movie about a hero’s origins. More than just a villain getting what’s coming to him. More than fancy effects and over-the-top fight sequences. This is a superhero movie that’s actually about something – a few things, in fact. It’s a movie about the nature of fear, and how fear can be used to weaken or strengthen us. It’s a movie about revenge, and discovering the limits that you’ll go to in exacting that revenge on someone else. It’s about justice, and how far one can go beyond society’s limitations in seeing justice served. The first comic-book-based superhero movie that’s truly intelligent, and if we’re lucky, it won’t be the last.

So there you have it – my list, for what it’s worth. I hope you’ve had as much fun reading it as I have had in writing it. Which is just one fun-notch above finding a quarter, but one notch below eating the last bowl of the sugar cereal.

Larissa and I live in an apartment that backs onto a large field, with several trees immediately outside our bedroom window. We also live in an apartment that has absolutely no air conditioning. We therefore have to leave our windows open almost constantly in the summer, just to get some airflow and a bit of a cooling breeze.

In the evening it’s generally cool enough that we can sleep quite comfortably with our bedroom window open. The only problem is that each morning, at about 4:30 or 5am, the trees outside our window are filled with birds, who feel an incessant need to chirp like crazy until the sun comes up.

I have a theory about these birds, and it might even be extended to a larger range of animal species. The theory is this: Every night, the birds are surprised that the sun has gone down, and when they see that the sky is starting to grow lighter in the east, they either a) think that they have to verbally persuade the sun to make it over the horizon, or b) are so surprised that the sun is coming back (again) that they have to announce it, loudly, to the rest of the bird kingdom, and possibly the world.

I think there is a basis for this theory in other parts of the animal realm. Roosters crowing in the morning could be an example of the same thing. Wolves howling at the moon could be a variation of this principle. It’s a form of conditioning, in that every time the animals exhibit this behaviour, they get the same result (the sun rises, and hence the conditioning is reinforced). And they’re unwilling to risk the consequences of there being no sun if they stop their chirping (or crowing, or what-have-you), and so continue this behaviour every morning until they die, or are killed by people who don’t like being awakened before 5:30am.

This leads into another theory I have about how we came to build houses out of wood, instead of living in caves, like our ancestors did. There must have been some ancient cave-dwelling folks who happened to have a bunch of trees near the opening of their cave, and were continually awakened at obscene hours of the morning by chirping birds. They went outside, chopped down the trees (assuming that they had already developed stone-based cutting tools), and thus eliminated the bird problem. They then thought to themselves “Hey, we could use this tree-material to build shelters anywhere we want, away from the caves AND the birds!”

Thus was born the lumber industry, the real estate industry, and anti noise-pollution associations.

As for Larissa and I, since we aren’t allowed to chop down the trees behind our apartment, we’re going to have to consider alternate means of shutting up the birds. I have a possible solution, but it still needs Larissa’s approval. My birthday is coming up in just over two weeks, and I think I’m going to ask for a pellet gun with a scope.