DarrenConley.com

Just a short post to wish a hearty Merry Christmas to everyone to reads this website.  And also to my friends and family.  Christmas 2006 has been filled with many of the wonderful things that make Christmas such a great time of year.  Here are a few of those things:

Children – Opening presents is ten times more fun when you have a 3 year-old and a 5 year-old niece and nephew involved.  I've never seen someone get so excited about Spiderman pajamas.

Piles of food – I think I may have undone the results of 3 months' worth of regular gym attendance in just two short weeks.  I mark out the hours with shortbread cookies.  And nobody gets excited about the "Christmas salad".

Fun family – Ben and Alicia (my brother and sister-in-law) have been great to hang out with over the holidays.  Ben's lighthearted banter is always good for generating laughs, and Alicia's fierce competitive streak has made our board and card games as lively as a Jerry Springer episode, but with less biting.

Snow – When Larissa and I left Ontario, everything was gray and wet.  In Edmonton, it's been nothing but white snow since we arrived.  Something about the smell of snow just feels more Christmasy.  (But how does snow have a smell?)

Sledding – Heading out to a nice, big hill and hurtling yourself down it with nothing but a thin slice of plastic as your only means of transportation is about the most fun that a 31-year-old wearing borrowed snowpants can hope to have.  You get so much speed on those round, plastic discs that you can almost test Einstein's theory of relativity on the way down.

Candlelight Christmas Carols – Last night we sang Christmas carols by candlelight at Ben and Alicia's church with a few hundred other people.  There's something about all of those small, flickering lights that makes the experience especially moving, even if Ben was abusing his candle privileges (if you're reading this Ben, you know what I'm talking about.)

Killer presents – My wife bought me an iPod Nano for Christmas, and as I held it in my hand, I felt such a swelling of emotion, convincing me that yes, love can be earned through the purchasing of material items.  I can't publicly mention what I bought Larissa (there may be children reading this site) but I will say that, like an iPod, it is a gift which we will both derive much pleasure from in the future.  Thank you, La Senza.

So, in conclusion, Merry Christmas to you, and to all those you love.  And if you're one of those people who contemplate suicide at Christmas time, don't do it; I'm going to have some really entertaining posts in 2007 that you won't want to miss. 

This is my 3 year old nephew Levi singing Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer.  Try not to be completely overwhelmed with cuteness.

It's become a bit of a catchphrase at the Dewbury house (where Larissa and I are currently hanging out for Christmas) that when something notable happens, or when one of the kids says something funny, someone remarks "Hey Darren!  You can blog this!"  I could, but as you see, I haven't.  The main reasons why there has been little blogging going on are that:

1. There are two children (aged 5 and 3) in this house, and there are only so many quiet moments available when one can sit at the computer for more than 30 seconds before being treated like some sort of sentient climbing apparatus.  This is the price I pay for being "fun uncle Darren".

2. When there are moments of quiet freedom available, I usually spend them either playing card games with Ben and Alicia (the children's parents), catching some smooching time with my wife, or napping (This is my vacation, after all!)

3. The computer I'm using here is much slower than the one I have at home, and has no sound capabilities.  Consequently, using the internet at all can be an exercise in frustration.  And this mouse still has a track ball in it!  I mean, what is this? 2003 or something?!

But if you're reading this, I must have hunkered down and churned out another post despite the many obstacles standing in my way.  One day my epitaph will read "Darren Conley – He knew how to blog in the midst of adversity".  

Since my last post, there have been very few earth-shattering events, and mostly some good old-fashioned relaxing-with-family stuff.  Larissa, Alicia, and Alex (the 5-year-old) all went out to get hair cuts one afternoon, leaving Levi (the 3-year-old) to hang out with me while they were gone.  Levi insisted that I read him 5 stories before nap time (mostly about trucks – he likes trucks) and we sang at least 6 songs before he got under the covers, including a few Christmas songs that had added lyrics which I wasn't aware of (I'm still not up-to-date on the latest interjections between the lines in Rudolph).

Levi still wears training diapers (or "pull-ups", as they say in the industry) while he naps, and it was for good reason, because when he got out of bed a couple hours later, he was smellin' like he had squeezed out two days' worth of recycled cheese-toast and candy canes.  Like a good babysitter, I naturally let Levi play in a separate (yet not quite sufficiently ventilated) room until Ben got home and changed him.  I would have tried it myself, but I'm rusty on my "dealing with other people's poo" procedures, and I was sure I'd end up with crap strewn from one side of the house to the other by the time I mastered the baby-wipes dispenser apparatus.  Besides, like I said – I'm on vacation.

The girls' haircuts came out nicely though.  Here's the "speaks 1000 words" description:

And as long as we're looking at pictures, this was an early morning engineering and construction project that Levi and I undertook using Tinker Toys:

The design was about 40% Darren and 60% Levi, but the construction was actually 90% Levi and 10% Darren, with Larissa providing safety management and architectural stability consulting.  Here's the principle architect with the final product:

After taking this picture, we decided to drape a blanket over the structure and get a shot of Levi relaxing inside:

More updates to follow – stay tuned!

Here are a few snapshots of how things have been in Edmonton since we arrived on Sunday night.  This post has the dual purpose of showing off my family out here and convincing the rest of my family back in Ontario that Larissa and I didn't die in a plane crash.  "Why don't you just call home, Darren?"  I tried that.  No answer.  Click any of the photos to see them enlarged.

Reading a story to my nephew, Levi.  The title was "Little Miss Sunshine", but unfortuately it had nothing to do with the movie of the same name.

Larissa making cookies with Alex and Levi.  I helped out by volunteering to be the "taste testing department".  The cookies passed with flying colours.

Larissa helping Levi make a "gingerbread house", which was actually graham crackers, icing, and candy.  I think this activity is designed to prepare the children for future jobs in real estate.

We found this postal truck stuck on a snowbank on the way to pick up my niece from kindergarten.  In case you can't tell from the picture, none of the wheels are actually touching the ground.  I guess some people will be getting their Christmas cards a little later today.

This snippit of conversation between Larissa's brother-in-law Ben and our 3-year-old nephew Levi made me crack up this afternoon:

Ben: Hey Levi, do you want some meat?
Levi: YAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY!!!!!

This is the pure joy of a child who will never be a vegetarian.

In case you haven't heard, companies in Alberta (Canada) are desperate for new employees.  This province is in the middle of one of the largest economic booms that anyone has ever experienced in Canada, and they have nowhere near enough people to meet the demand for new workers.  The province is so prosperous that they have no sales tax, and the oil industry is still growing.

Larissa's cousin Matt lives in Edmonton Alberta, and works for one of the many oil companies that are trying to hire and retain new workers.  The problem is, with so many companies offering incentives for new workers (new TVs, company vehicles, etc.) workers can "diddle the pooch" like crazy, and still be in no danger of being fired, since they can up and get a new job (with a new TV) at any time. 

So Matt's company is now paying for "good attendance".

That's right – If you're there on time for every shift you've been scheduled for, at the end of each week you get an extra $2.50 per hour-worked.  This is on top of the starting rate of $17.00 per hour, which they're offering to people who, according to Matt, "don't even know how to read a tape-measure."

The downside to living and working in Alberta is that this week, the temperature is going to average a "toasty" minus 17 degrees celsius.  But maybe cold weather is worth putting up with if your only job skill is "ability to regularly show up".

Some of you may remember the 2005 story (covered exclusively by this site last year) of disgruntled employee relations at the North Pole, spearheaded by the outspoken Twinkle the Elf.  In brief, Twinkle was extremely dissatisfied with elven working conditions, and had vowed to spend the better part of 2006 encouraging children to be naughty. 

This course of action was intended to shorten Santa's "Nice List", lessening North Pole production quotas and easing the demands of the elven workforce.  Although our sources had informed us that due to the negative publicity surrounding "the incident", Twinkle had been "let go", it seems that Christmas 2006 is suffering from Twinkle's continuing protests over North Pole labor issues.

It is a little known fact that Santa's Workshop managed to land the lucrative contract to manufacture Sony's newest entry into the video game console market, the PLAYSTATION 3.  It seems that Sony was forced to outsource its PS3 manufacturing work in an effort to keep its mushrooming production costs as low as possible.  Since minimum wage at the North Pole is far less than most other industrialized countries, and elven minimum wage is less still, the decision to hire Santa's Workshop was practically a no-brainer for Sony executives.

"Santa has always done quality work," one Sony executive was allegedly heard to remark, "He handled the iPod nano contract extremely well last year for Apple, and we had no reason to believe that there would be any problems this year.  We were wrong."

According to the PR department at Santa's Workshop, there have been a series of sabotage incidents in Santa's major production facilities this past year.  PS3 production lines were forced to shut down on multiple occasions in order to repair damaged manufacturing equipment, often for several days at a time.  Mitch, an elven foreman in the largest of the production plants, filled us in on some of the details.

"We found one of the soldering machines spittin' reindeer kaka into circuit boards.  Took us a good 3 days to figure out which machine had been tampered with.  We already had a few thousand units loaded up for shipping before someone down the line said 'Hey!  These PS3s smell like reindeer-dump!'  Nobody wants that under their Christmas tree."

Although no evidence has been found directly linking Twinkle to this and other manufacturing incidents at the Workshop, those conducting the investigation at the North Pole are convinced that Twinkle is to blame.  

"Twinkle has had it in for this place ever since they canned him," one investigator told us, "He's been blacklisted by elven employers worldwide.  Not even Keebler will touch the guy."

Twinkle's lawyer insists that his client is in no way to blame for the PS3 manufacturing difficulties at the North Pole.  "The only involvement that my client has with Santa these days is in settling his wrongful dismissal suit.  I assure you that Twinkle is 100% committed to using only legal means to deal with his grievances."  Twinkle himself could not be reached for comment.

Despite production delays, Sony remains optimistic about meeting customer demands for the PS3 before the end of the year.  This article at extremetech.com cites the "early manufacturing issues" contributing to the recent PS3 shortage, but explains that Sony "will continue to utilize airfreight delivery for the PLAYSTATION 3 to assure a steady stream of systems for North American consumers through the end of the year."  As we all know, Santa has one of the most efficient "airfreight delivery" systems on the planet.

Still, there's no denying that demand for the PS3 far outweighs current retail availability.  Only time will tell if Sony, and Santa Clause, will come through this Christmas.  As for those few who have already purchased a PS3, you may want to give it a good sniffing, just in case.

Yesterday night, ten minutes before supper was about to be ready, Larissa told me that she needed cookie cutters, and not just any cookie cutters – they had to be Christmas cookie cutters.  And she needed them right away, since she wanted to bake the cookies right after supper was done.

It takes a lot to get a hungry man to leave the warmth of his apartment on a cold December evening ten minutes before supper (which was Larissa's famous pasta sauce, mixed with some tasty tortellini) in order to scour the outskirts of St. Catharines for Christmas cookie cutters.  But that, my friends, is what true love is all about. 

I told Larissa that I'd swing by Food Basics (the discount grocery store at the end of our street) and be back before the pasta was hitting the plate.  As I ran out the door, I heard my wife shout behind me "If they don't have them, can you check at Zellers?  I love you!"

For those of you who are of the non-Canadian persuasion (poor, tortured souls that you are), Zellers is a Canadian discount-department store.  Like Walmart, but one rung lower, and without the grocery items.

As I pulled into the Food Basics parking lot, I was struck with the thought that I had no idea where to find Christmas cookie cutters in a grocery store.  I decided to start with the "non-edible kitchen items" aisle (fake-tupperware, spatulas, wooden spoons, etc.).  After a thorough search of the available items, I discovered that cookie cutters were not to be found there.  I then decided to check the "Christmas items" aisle (Christmas cookie tins, Christmas ornaments, Christmas napkins, etc.), and soon found that no, there are no Christmas cookie cutters there either.  

At this point, I noticed that my ten minutes were up, and being surrounded by food in a grocery store, my stomach was starting to whine at me.  So I did that thing that all men desperately try to avoid – I asked someone for help.  The only employee nearby was a young, homely-looking blonde girl who didn't give the impression that customer service was her specialty.  I asked her, somewhat reluctantly, "Do you sell any Christmas cookie cutters?"  Her reply of "Umm… I don't think so" was not entirely convincing.

As a (seemingly) last resort, I decided to check on the "baking needs" aisle (flour, sugar, delicious-looking cake mix, etc.) to see if the store had thought to stock cookie cutters alongside the ingredients for making the cookies themselves.  They hadn't. 

I guess I was going to Zellers.  So much for a ten minute excursion.

I jumped in my car and headed toward the mall, where Zellers is located.  That's right: I was going to the mall at Christmas season, hoping that it would be a "quick trip".  On the way, I noticed a Shoppers Drug Mart on the right side of the street, which is another Canadian shopping fixture, and is known for stocking far more than just pharmaceutical items.  I pulled into the parking lot, ran into the store, and started searching for the Christmas cookie cutters.  Once again, to no avail.  This time I didn't even bother asking an employee – Zellers would have them, and my dinner was waiting.

Parking at the mall was not quite "hell", more like "mid-level purgatory". As soon as I was inside Zellers, I was struck again with the thought of "where the heck do I find Christmas cookie cutters?!"  I headed straight for the "Christmas crap" section.  So much candy, so little kitchen-utensils.  And no cookie cutters.  Time to try "kitchenware" – they had cookie cutters, but not Christmas cookie cutters. 

By this point my inner-monologue was using some distinctly non-Christmaslike vocabulary.  I decided that talking to an employee was acceptable, in the interest of getting home quickly.  This girl was older, smarter, and more "brunetter" than the Food Basics employee, and assured me beyond doubt that, while they used to have Christmas cookie cutters, they were now sold out, and would not be getting any more.

In a quick flash of insight, I decided to stop in at Benix, a store specializing in kitchen and cookware.  Sold out. 

Now I was getting desperate.  Was there a nation-wide Christmas cookie cutter shortage that no one had told me about?  I had already invested the better part of 45 minutes into this "10 minute trip", and was not about to go home empty handed.  Delirious with frustration, like a man who had left all his holiday shopping until Christmas eve, I wandered down the mall hallways, looking for some Damascus-road light to shine upon a store or vendor who may have some Christmas-shaped cookie cutting utensil which I could acquire and bring home in triumph.

Then I saw it.

There was a display in the middle of a mall hallway, right beside the people who sell the Far Side and Sports Illustrated calendars, offering items that were exclusively kitchen-related.  As I found the display rack which furnished me with multiple Christmas cookie cutter choices, I felt something of the sense of awe which the shepherds must have experienced as they entered into that stable, so many Christmases ago. 

I bought a star, a snowman, a Christmas tree, and an angel.  $8.00 plus tax.

The point of the story is this: Before I was married, I would never have imagined that I would one day be racing around the city, desperate for Christmas cookie cutters.  But now, this is what my life is all about – making my wife happy.  Some may think my life is now full of monotonous chores, as this story seems to describe, but I see it as just another of the series of adventures that one experiences in this thing called marriage.  

And the tortellini was delicious. 

Some of you may be familiar with Jay Cheel, who has participated in past episodes of The Audio Edition, is part of the panel discussion for the upcoming Films 4 Food Fest, has created the documentary Obsessed and Scientific (which inspired my time travel posts), and is the webmaster of The Documentary Blog.  Through his website, I came across this post about an online documentary called "9/11 Mysteries".

Larissa and I watched this documentary together a while back, and I found it absolutely fascinating.  While Jay himself is not tremendously impressed with it, I was amazed by all of the evidence collected in this video pointing to a planned demolition of the World Trade Center.  Citing research by renowned experts, and showing comparison video of controlled demolitions, this film makes many compelling points which have not been sufficiently explained by those who put out the "official" story of 9/11.

The entire 90 minute film can be found here at Google Video.  Although the text following the end credits gets a little hokey, the information presented makes for great discussion fodder.  Check it out, and feel free to post a comment with your own thoughts.

As most faithful readers of this website know, I am a regular participant in The Audio Edition, which is a podcast produced by The Movie Blog.  For those who have never listened to the podcast, allow me to shed a single tear in silence for the grey meaninglessness of your lives. Now that we've taken care of that, you may click on the Podcast link above and listen to The Audio Edition for yourself.  

One of the benefits of participating in such a widely listened-to podcast is that you gain a (very small) measure of celebrity status.  I had always vowed that if I became a celebrity, I would use my fame to inflict the power of "good" upon the world, rather than the power of "evil", "lethergy", or "dumb-tardedness", which is often perpetrated on us by those of higher celebrity status.  Now, John Campea (noted "B-list" internet celebrity and founder of The Movie Blog) is helping me to fulfill this vow.

John has organized The Movie Blog's Films 4 Food Fest, which is taking place in Hamilton, Ontario on Saturday January 20th, 2007 at the Freeway Coffee House.  The basic idea for the event is to raise money for The Good Shepherd Centre, so that even after Christmas is over, the less fortunate can find food and shelter in downtown Hamilton.  The day-long event involves the public showing of at least 3 films, a live-recording of The Audio Edition, a roundtable discussion about film, two stand-up comedy acts, and more fun than you can shake a can of creamed corn at.

For the full 411 on what's happening and where, check out the official website for the event, and plan now to reserve your own admission spot.  We already have a large number of people anxious to attend, and I have no doubt that tickets will sell out.

Like I said earlier, my celebrity status may be small-time, but if I can use it to help out a few needy people, it'll be worth it.